I just sat down at my computer and tears tried to well up in my eyes for no reason at all. Maybe it’s because I’m tired, I do cry when I get tired. Maybe it’s just because I looked at the photo on my Wise Little Nuggets page and I saw this sweet family holding hands and these little babies who I vaguely remember because they’ve grown so much since this picture was taken. I’m 35 and 10 months old… and holding and I feel like my life is passing me by. I don’t look like I’m 20 anymore. I remember being a kid knowing that all I truly wanted out of life was to be a mom and then as a teen, I wanted to be a Proverbs 31 wife. So there seems to me that there are four seasons of life and here they are.
1. New life. You’re born, you toddle around, you throw fits, you have no worries or cares, your life is your life and you don’t know of any other life to be had no matter how good or how bad your life really is. You grow into this pre-teen creature who all of the sudden has a different voice and things are changing on your body and you feel ugly and you think no one likes you but that’s still you’re only worry. You have no bills, no responsibilities, and no sense of time other than thinking you have all the time in the world. You believe that one day every dream you’ve ever dreamed will come true because you can do anything. Oh, and “old” people need to quit worrying so much and learn to “play” more!
2. Early teen to mid 20’s. I know this sounds like a broad spectrum, but its really not. Early teens are trying to figure out what style of clothing they like and the girls are dabbling in make-up trying to figure this whole thing out while the boys are trying to figure out what exactly it means to be “cool”…. The girls end up with eye shadow up to their brow bone and eye liner thicker than their lips and the boys end up being cowboys one day and thugs the next. It seems everyone is playing dress up! After you get all this figured out you graduate and move out and you have to learn that you have to take the dryer lint out of the thingy that lifts up just inside the dryer door or the dryer won’t dry your clothes. You have to budget your very poor budget which means you eat a lot of ramen noodles because vegetables are way to expensive and hamburger meat is a treat. Then you graduate college or open your own business and… you’re still broke and still don’t know what you’re doing. You think you know what you’re doing. But… You don’t know what you’re doing. You still think you can do anything, go anywhere, and be anyone you wan to be. But… you really can’t because you’re still broke and now you have student loans to pay for too.
3. Mid-life which is where I am now. Life is grand! Amazing husband, gorgeous healthy kids who we homeschool, a nice home including a nice sized yard, and work. And sometimes we still feel like we don’t know what we’re doing. We question our form of discipline with every move the kids make. Sometimes it feels like our lives are in a video game and we have no control which is actually partly true. We have no control. We still want to go to those places we said we would go and we still dream of being those things we dreamed we would be, but life is different now. We have each other and we have these two precious souls that are in our full time care and we can’t make mistakes… even though we make mistakes everyday. We envision our future. We envision the loss of family which will tear our hearts out. We envision our children starting to date and then getting married which will tear our hearts out. We envision holding our grandbabies for the first time and then wander if we’re done having our own and then we go back to that vision that will one day bring us joy we have never felt before and yet, it will all tear our hearts out. We will be old. What will happen? Which one of our children will take care of us? Where will we live? Will we go to the places we want to visit before that happens? We miss our younger days and waste time feeling sadness over what’s to come. Some days I feel… we still don’t know what we’re doing or even where we are going.
4. That future which is yet to be written. The one with the empty nest syndrome or the excitement that we can travel without whining and spending so much money on four mouths. I’m not sure which we’ll be, maybe we’ll experience both the sadness and excitement. The one where we hold those precious grandbabies and then give them back to mama and daddy. The one that tears our hearts out knowing that our babies were once “this little” and now we can’t hold them, they will soon hold us. Maybe they’ll be changing our diapers instead of us changing theirs. Maybe they’ll be feeding us instead of us feeding them. The one where I don’t know who will go to Heaven first and who will be left here to feel the pain of loss. It seems, we still won’t know what we’re doing.
This photo shows a beautiful young couple in love with two beautiful children in tow and the photo was taken by a “soul-sister” I found on a mission trip with our church when she was pregnant with her first. Time is flying by too quickly in some parts of the season we’re in and not so quickly in others. How can it be fast and slow at the same time?
I’ll leave you with this scripture which is mostly read at funerals, which I don’t understand. It’s a life scripture. It talks about the four seasons of life, not the heaven we’ll go to when we “die”. Nonetheless, no matter which season you’re in, embrace every single moment because each moment is just that, a moment. It will be gone in the blink of an eye.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
To Everything There is a Season
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Father, I think you that I don’t weep in fear of the future or in sadness of time that has past, but that I embrace every breath you bless me with. I thank you for the moment I’m in and the moments I’ve had with loved ones. I thank you for the places you’ve taken me so far and for the places you will take me in my future with you. Lord, in every season of life, you are faithful. You are good, you are merciful, and you are truth. My hope is in you. I take comfort in knowing that although I am not in control of my present life or my future life, you are in control and my trust is in you. I love you Jesus and I thank you that your joy and your light can be found in me and I am found in you. In Jesus name. Amen.