Heart of Worship

I’m sure I’ll get mixed reviews for what I’m about to say as it pertains some what to my former church, but it is what it is so here goes. We left over a year and a half ago and I have had very little desire to be on any worship team of any kind! In fact, for the first full year, I had absolutely no desire! You see, worship even at home in my room alone has been a task because it reminded me of my former church and former self. Though they might say this is conviction, it is not. It is not a good thing. It is sad and as I’m typing this it just makes me want to cry again… not because of what happened, but because of what I’ve allowed my worship time with my Father to become!

I was one of the worship leaders there. That’s what I did! I loved it! Then, we went through hell and back and were hurt beyond measure and we saw what was actually in the hearts of some people there, not everybody, but several leaders to be somewhat specific. I have felt so decieved and so ignorant for realizing I spent twenty years of my life sweeping things under the rug… Mostly, the way people were treated so hatefully in certain situations, something I thought we were exempt from and also for some things that clearly do not line up with the Word of God.

I know it sounds rediculous and I have felt so badly for taking this out on God in a sense. Every person has a free will. People make mistakes and people hurt other people and that’s just life. The fact that some people make the same mistakes and hurt people in the same fassion over and over again… well, that’s for God to deal with! It boggles my mind, but it’s not my problem. I will tell you I now completely and fully understand why people never return to a “church” after being hurt. It’s not God they’re mad at and it’s not time with God they are avoiding… it’s the mess they never want to go through again because so many people who love Jesus don’t act like it half the time… or that’s exactly what they do… act. It is the memory they are avoiding just like you may avoid a certain song or many songs on the radio after a break up or avoid going to a certain place an x-friend visits a lot.

Through much prayer lately and seeking God I have asked Him to give the desire back to me to worship Him and I have repented for turning my time with Him into what I’ve made it because none of what happend was His fault. He saved us!

This morning, I woke up with “The Heart of Worship” by Matt Redman stuck in my mind and I started singing it to the Father. I always believed that this song came from being on the stage too much and making worhip time become a show rather than from the heart. Today, I realize that this song has so many meanings! I too am guilty of changing worship into something it shouldn’t be… a reminder of the pain and the mess we went through rather than loving time with my Father.

No matter what your circumstances are, today I encourage you to come along with me and get back to the heart of worship!


6 thoughts on “Heart of Worship

  1. YOU hit a lot of things on the head.the hurt is the best learning tool to pull one closer to the lord, or sadly away from God and their family Remember you fell a little harder then most because you were one of “those”, or “them” on “stage”,the upper crusteders,but you come from a hardy stock and you have “family” that stayed stronge with you,thats the love. I don’t think that it has as much to do with youth ,but the group mentatility,Some times when our heart of worship is purged The Holy spirit then has a chance to complete the work it was sent to do,and it is that private worship to God that is recieved.blessings lg


  2. Thank you for sharing your heart here. I have had times of extreme disappointment with other Christians and with churches. But, imperfect as the church is, and as we are, Christ died for us. Christ loves us. And He WILL preserve the church one way or another. Just think of all the church has been through in history- the Hymn titled “The Church’s One Foundation” has the verse:
    Though with a scornful wonder
    we see her sore oppressed,
    by schisms rent asunder,
    by heresies distressed,
    yet saints their watch are keeping;
    their cry goes up, “How long?”
    And soon the night of weeping
    shall be the morn of song.
    The problems you have seen in the church are not the first and will not be the last.
    I am glad to hear that you are feeling a worshipful spirit return.The heart of worship song is lovely. But I wonder one thing…and I don’t know you and haven’t read your whole blog and might be way off base…but from some of the things you say it makes me think that you might see “worship” as simply singing somewhat emotional praise songs, the kind of songs that are great and rich when you are really “into” it emotionally but rather flat and lifeless- distaste really- if you aren’t all amped up or if you are deeply struggling. Real worship is so so so much more than that. But so many churches today say things like- “now we are going to have a time of worship” and what they really mean is it is time for the emotional praise songs. Now while that is one of very many fine ways to worship….there are so many other ways to worship. Reading the psalms, praying, taking holy communion, singing ancient hymns reflecting deep distress and anguish such as “From the Depths of Woe.” We aren’t always going to “feel” rah rah go Jesus but that should never hinder our REAL worship. Sadly though, a lot of modern church music fails to give us any other worship language. No wonder we don’t feel like worshipping when we are really hurt.


  3. I went through something a few years ago myself. We had to let our full-time worship leader go due to finances & hire a part-time, hourly person. I was on the leadership council that had to make the decision and was on the worship team. I was truly upset about how it was handled…and didn’t want to sing on the worship team for a long time. God really used that time to teach me a lot. Blessings to you!


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