I’m sure I’ll get mixed reviews for what I’m about to say as it pertains some what to my former church, but it is what it is so here goes. We left over a year and a half ago and I have had very little desire to be on any worship team of any kind! In fact, for the first full year, I had absolutely no desire! You see, worship even at home in my room alone has been a task because it reminded me of my former church and former self. Though they might say this is conviction, it is not. It is not a good thing. It is sad and as I’m typing this it just makes me want to cry again… not because of what happened, but because of what I’ve allowed my worship time with my Father to become!
I was one of the worship leaders there. That’s what I did! I loved it! Then, we went through hell and back and were hurt beyond measure and we saw what was actually in the hearts of some people there, not everybody, but several leaders to be somewhat specific. I have felt so decieved and so ignorant for realizing I spent twenty years of my life sweeping things under the rug… Mostly, the way people were treated so hatefully in certain situations, something I thought we were exempt from and also for some things that clearly do not line up with the Word of God.
I know it sounds rediculous and I have felt so badly for taking this out on God in a sense. Every person has a free will. People make mistakes and people hurt other people and that’s just life. The fact that some people make the same mistakes and hurt people in the same fassion over and over again… well, that’s for God to deal with! It boggles my mind, but it’s not my problem. I will tell you I now completely and fully understand why people never return to a “church” after being hurt. It’s not God they’re mad at and it’s not time with God they are avoiding… it’s the mess they never want to go through again because so many people who love Jesus don’t act like it half the time… or that’s exactly what they do… act. It is the memory they are avoiding just like you may avoid a certain song or many songs on the radio after a break up or avoid going to a certain place an x-friend visits a lot.
Through much prayer lately and seeking God I have asked Him to give the desire back to me to worship Him and I have repented for turning my time with Him into what I’ve made it because none of what happend was His fault. He saved us!
This morning, I woke up with “The Heart of Worship” by Matt Redman stuck in my mind and I started singing it to the Father. I always believed that this song came from being on the stage too much and making worhip time become a show rather than from the heart. Today, I realize that this song has so many meanings! I too am guilty of changing worship into something it shouldn’t be… a reminder of the pain and the mess we went through rather than loving time with my Father.
No matter what your circumstances are, today I encourage you to come along with me and get back to the heart of worship!